


The Lie

by bluebellsandcocklesshells



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Closeted Character, F/M, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 05:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6740761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebellsandcocklesshells/pseuds/bluebellsandcocklesshells





	1. Chapter 1

“I don’t love you.”

It wasn’t pouring rain or grey and gloomy.  They weren’t in a situation where Dean was trying to push him away so he could secretly save his life.  At least, Cas didn’t think they were.  It was a bright, sunny day in May; the skies were blue with big white fluffy clouds drifting lazily overhead.  Birds chirped, bees buzzed.  They were sitting at a park table playing chess with broken pieces and more than one piece replaced by small children’s toys from fast food restaurants.

Castiel had half-laughed at Dean’s declaration, a smile frozen on his face.  Maybe it was a joke because Cas had just taken Dean’s bishop and put him in check.  But Dean didn’t look like he was frustrated at missing the obvious opening.  In fact, Cas had been beating him rather handedly today and he’d been wondering if something was wrong.

“What?”  Was the only thing Cas could think of to say.

“I’ve been thinking,” Dean said, his eyes focused on the chipped game board.  “You’ve got all these grand schemes about where we’ll go and how we’ll live together and that you’ve got plenty of time to wait until I get a job somewhere before choosing a graduate school.”

Cas nodded and waited.  He could tell that Dean had something important to say, and it was always best to let him think things through and speak at his own pace.  He’d been like that since they were children. It had taken him forty-five minutes when they’d been in high school for him to explain why he got jealous when Meg Masters flirted with Cas, but that he wouldn’t be able to ask him out until college.  He had been worth the wait.

They hadn’t gone to the same schools, but they’d been within an hour’s driving distance.  So after one semester of awkwardness where neither was willing to be vulnerable enough to admit to much of anything at all, things had easily changed from close friendship to inseparable boyfriends between them.  Well, inseparable on the weekends when they took turns visiting each other at school.  And of course surreptitiously canoodling when they were home on breaks.

“The thing is, I got a job,” Dean finally spoke again, interrupting Cas’ nostalgic trip down memory lane.

“Congratu—”

“Let me finish,” Dean interrupted, still not looking up.

“I got a job with an engineering company based out of Flagstaff.  None of the schools you applied to are there.  So, we should break up.”

“Wait.  What?”  Cas felt pressure like something heavy was sitting on his chest.  His vision kind of tunneled on Dean.

“Look, you’ve got these ideas that we’ll be together forever and get married and adopt kids or some shit.  Like, you’ve got this idea that we’re this happily in love couple.”

Cas’ hands felt clammy.  “Aren’t we?”

“That’s just it.  I feel like I’m leading you on because I don’t see that happening with us.  So, we shouldn’t prolong it.  I mean, it’s been fun.  And I care about you.  But come on, man.  We’re not meant for the long haul.”

Cas could feel the tears building up in his eyes.  He was not going to cry in front of Dean.  Or whoever this person was.  This wasn’t the man he loved.

“Dean, if this is because of your father—”

“It has nothing to do with my family.  I just don’t love you.”

“Look me in the eyes and say it.”

Dean sighed and continued to stare at the table.  Then he looked up and met Cas’ eyes.  Tears spilled down Dean’s cheeks and his eyes were red and pain-filled.  How was he keeping his voice so steady?

“I don’t love you,” Dean said.

Cas nodded.  “Okay.”  He stood up and walked away.

**Sixteen Years Later**

“Tell me again why you’re so reluctant to go to your twentieth high school reunion?” Hannah asked as she straightened Cas’ tie.

“Seeing as how you’ve already strong-armed me into going, why are you pushing your luck by poking at me?”

“Because I like it when you get riled up,” Hannah replied with a smirk.

Cas laughed and pulled her close for a kiss.  Then he slapped her butt and laughed again as she giggled and squealed and pushed him away.  Cas chased after her as she shooed him off.  They pulled up short as they ran into the next room and spotted Hannah’s scowling and prim mother.  She held the baby in her arms and frowned at their less than decorous behavior.

“Uh, Mom, thanks again for babysitting.”

The woman harrumphed.  “Only way I get to see my own grandbaby.”

Castiel had to turn away to hide his eye roll.  The woman had been practically living with them since Dean had been born.  He’d thought that the trip to Lawrence for his high school reunion would give them a reprieve, but she’d volunteered to come along since they would need someone to watch the baby.  Like Castiel’s father couldn’t do it.  Though to be honest, the guy was a little flighty and even though Cas couldn’t stand his mother-in-law, he did feel leaving his first born child with her was the safer choice.

“We really do appreciate you coming here with us, Naomi.  I’m sure Dad will be back before too long.  You guys can watch _NCIS_ together.”

The woman narrowed her eyes at him, but said nothing.  Cas counted that as a win.

“Well, we should get going,” Hannah said.  “We’ll be back before midnight, I’m sure.”

“Probably earlier.  Kansas kids don’t party like you wild things from Missouri.”

Hannah laughed and took his hand.  “I love you.”

“I believe you.”

Seeing Lawrence High School again was trippy.  He’d left Lawrence for New York City after college to attended graduate school and he’d never looked back.  New York had been amazing, and that’s where he’d met Hannah, but they’d both decided to settle back in Missouri to be closer to their families.  Castiel worked for a graphics design company and only had to fly to either New York or LA once or twice a quarter.  Everything else he could do from home.  And it was such a good home full of laughter and happiness, and now it had all quadrupled with the arrival of his son.  He’d already asked Hannah if they could start trying for a daughter.  She’d told him they could start right away if he wanted to carry the second one, otherwise they were going to wait a while.

He was such an adult now it was kind of scary, which was why his high school was so weird to look at.  It looked so much smaller than he remembered it.  It also had a new wing and what looked like a new football stadium with professional grade lights.  Apparently Lawrence High now had a football team that people weren’t embarrassed to admit having.

“So, is there anyone you’re looking forward to seeing?” Hannah asked as they walked up the path to the school.

“Well, there are my friends Inias and Bartholomew.  I haven’t really spoken to them much except for a Facebook post here and there.  Maybe some guys from the chess club.”

“Chess club?  Nerd.”

“Hey, hey, Miss Drama Club.  Cool it.”

She smiled and nudged his shoulder.  “Any ex-girlfriends I should be worried about?”

“No,” Cas mused.  “No ex-girlfriends.  Although…I wonder if Meg will be here.”  Cas smiled.  “I’d like to see her again.”

Hannah hit him on the arm.

“Ow!  What was that for?”

“You’re drooling over some old crush.”

“That was hardly drool, my love.  Spittle at best.  And you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“We’ll see.”

A couple of hours later, the shine of seeing old acquaintances had worn off.  Bartholomew hadn’t come and he realized that he and Inias weren’t as close of friends as he remembered as they stood awkwardly around each other after ten minutes of catching up.  He was saved when a petite woman inserted herself into the conversational and Inias took the opportunity to sneak away.

“Well, well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” the woman said in a husky, sexy voice.

Cas stared blankly for a moment, recognizing the voice and that smirk but…

“Meg, you have brown hair!”

Meg grinned.  “That’s right.  Decided to go natural after college.”

“I like it.”

They smiled at each other.

“Et-hmm.”

Cas turned and saw his wife looking at him with an arched eyebrow.  He drew her close to his side immediately.

“Meg, I’d like you to meet Hannah, my wife.”

Meg gave her an appraising once over and then shook hands.

“Well, didn’t you hit the jackpot?” Meg asked.

“Thank you, I did,” Hannah responded.

Castiel felt a little heat rise in his cheeks.  Hannah didn’t often get jealous or possessive, but he did enjoy it when she kept her claws in check but let everyone know with her eyes that they could come out at any moment.  Meg just laughed, always amused with life despite everything it flung at her.

After the brief posturing from the ladies, they settled into neutral territory catching up on what they had done in the sixteen years since they’d seen each other.  Meg had been one of the few high schools friends he’d stayed in contact with after graduating.  At least, he had until he’d graduated from college.

When there was a lull in the conversation, Meg suddenly asked, “Have you seen him?”

“Seen who?”

“He’s here.  Looks even better now than he did in high school or college.”

“Oh.  Um.  No, I haven’t seen him.  I didn’t know he was coming.”

“Would you not have come if you’d known?”

Castiel let his breath out slowly as he thought about that.  “I don’t know,” he finally said.

“Still honest.  Your best and worst trait.”

Castiel could tell that Hannah was looking at him curiously.  Meg looked him over again.

“Well, I’ve got a fifty percent chance, so if you get divorced, look me up.”

With a smirk and a wink, she was gone.  Castiel laughed and watched her go.  Then he turned back to his wife and his smile and laughter died.

“I don’t like her,” Hannah said petulantly.

“I wouldn’t think you loved me if you did.”

He kissed her forehead.  She thrust her purse into his arms.

“I need to run to the bathroom.”

“Okay.  I’m going to go over to that wall over there where they’ve got the letters we wrote for the time capsule posted.”

“Okay.  I’ll meet you there.”

They kissed and Hannah threaded her way through the crowd of people bobbing awkwardly to 90’s pop hits.  Castiel walked over to the wall and perused the names on the letters, pausing to read a snippet or two here and there.  Then he came across a short letter that was only one sentence long.

“ _Twenty years from now I hope I’m brave enough to admit to the world who I really am_.”

It was signed Dean Winchester.

Castiel felt his chest constrict in a way it hadn’t for a long time.  He swallowed back the rising potential for tears.  He wasn’t going to cry over him ever again, but he empathized with the boy he had been.  He turned and came face to face with the man the boy had become.  Meg had been right.  Time had only made him even more ridiculously attractive.  From his filled out frame to his full, pretty lips to those green, green eyes that were open wide as they looked at him.

“Hello, Dean.”

Castiel could practically see dozens of thoughts and emotions rushing around in Dean’s head and reflecting on his face.  Then he spoke the first words he’d said to Castiel in sixteen years.

“I lied.”

Castiel clenched his hands into fists, silently begging him not to go there—and desperately wanting to hear it at the same time.

“What?”

“It was a lie.  It was a complete lie.  The worst lie I’ve ever told in my life.”

Castiel nodded and felt his lip tremble.  No, he was _not_ going to cry.  He swallowed again and waited until he had composed himself.

“I know,” he said.

Dean’s face was a mixture of anguish and regret.

“Don’t look like that,” Castiel said, his heart breaking for his former best friend.  “It’s okay.”

“It’s really not.”

“Hi.  I hope I’m not interrupting?”

Dean startled and tore his eyes away.  Castiel turned to Hannah and linked their arms together.  Then he faced Dean.

“This is my wife, Hannah.”

Dean’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly.  He forced a smile onto his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Hannah, this is Dean.  We were good friends in high school.  And college too.”

“Dean?” Hannah echoed and Castiel felt a wiggling worm of worry in his gut.  But she smiled and stuck out her hand.  Dean shook it.  They exchanged a few pleasantries–-Castiel didn’t learn anything about where Dean lived or what he did-–and then he was gone.  Castiel watched him walk away and sighed.  That hadn’t been nearly as bad as he thought seeing him again would be.

“So.  Dean,” Hannah said.  Castiel tried to hide his wince and looked up.  “You didn’t tell me you named our son after someone.”

Castiel shrugged.  “I didn’t.  Not really.  I just liked the name.  I mean, you considered Balthazar because of that English camp counselor you had in middle school.”

Hannah kind of smiled, but then she looked at him more closely.  “Cas, tell me the truth.”

“I haven’t lied about anything.”

“You’re lying by omission.  I can tell.  You suck at lying.”

Castiel clenched his teeth and felt the muscles in his jaw tick.  He turned to face her fully.

“Hannah, I didn’t name him after Dean.  Not really.  I guess it was in the back of my head.  I admired him.  He was a good man.  He was strong—in some ways.  Weak in others.  But, I just liked the name.  I wasn’t thinking about—honoring him or something.”

She nodded her head.  “Is he really just an old friend?”

Castiel considering lying for about three seconds.  Then he sighed.  “He was…a little bit more than a friend.”

“A crush?”

“A—a boyfriend.  Actually.”

“A boyfriend.  Interesting.  Because when we had the discuss-our-romantic-histories conversation, I don’t remember a Dean coming up at all.”

“That’s because I thought it was only about people we’d, you know, _been with_.”

“So, you and he never…?”

Castiel realized he was digging himself a six foot deep hole.  “Well, we did.”

Hannah’s lips pinched together.  “How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long were you together?”

Castiel wasn’t sure how to answer that.  They’d been together since kindergarten.  They’d been crushing on each other since middle school.  But they were only really together for… “Three and a half years.”

“Three and a half—!”  Hannah cut off.  “I’m going to get some air outside.”

“Hannah!”

Castiel followed his wife outside.  The air was a little stifling as the humidity had not burnt off during the day, but it was fresh.  Hannah paced around the wide front stoop of the school.

“Three and a half years.  And you slept with him.  And you named our child after him.  And you never once told me a single thing about him.  Never once mentioned him.”

“Hannah, please, I literally spent a year of my life actively trying to forget him.  I mean, I got to a point where I _had_ forgotten him.  Or convinced myself that I had.  He…he didn’t just break my heart.  He ripped it, still beating, out of my chest and—”

“Please spare me the tortured metaphors, Castiel.  Even if you had managed to push him completely to your subconscious mind, when I asked you if you’d ever dated anyone in high school or college, you said no.  How could you possibly forget a three year relationship no matter how painful?”

Castiel shrugged.  He didn’t have a good answer.  “I didn’t want to talk about him.”

Hannah crossed her arms and chewed on her bottom lip.  Cas could tell she was trying not to cry.

“You still love him.”

“No, no, I don’t.  Hannah—it is in the past.  Maybe the pathetic twenty-one year old in me never got over him, but I’ve grown up.  I’m not that person anymore.  I’m the person you know.  The person you married.  The person who loves you with all his heart.”

“Not all of it,” she muttered morosely.

“Hannah, please, I’m begging you to understand.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t still love him.”

Castiel’s lips parted on a pained exhalation of air.  He met his wife’s eyes.

“I love you.  And I can’t lie to you.”

Hannah waited, but Castiel didn’t speak again.  Hannah nodded.

“So, what do we do?”

“We go home to our son.  And we move on.”

Hannah fidgeted.  “I don’t think I can.”

“Hannah, no, please.  I didn’t—”

“Not while I have this doubt.  This niggling wonder.  I think you should talk to him.  Get some closure.  And then once you’ve had a chance to deal with it, we can deal with it together.”

“I’ve never been unfaithful.”

“I didn’t think you had.  But, I think this is something we need to be able to talk about.  But you can’t talk about it with someone else until you’ve had a chance to get to a point where you can deal with it.  And I think you need to resolve things with him before you can do that.”

“Shit, I don’t—”

“Just go talk to him now.  Tell him how much he hurt you and how you’ve been carrying it around for so long.  And hopefully he’ll apologize and you can forgive him and then we can move on.  And possibly start calling our son by his middle name.”

Cas flinched.  “I—”

“I’m going to take the car back to your father’s.  You take as much time as you need with…Dean.”

Castiel dropped his head and felt like the lowliest piece of shit on the planet for making his wife feel so badly.

“Although, Dean is a nice name.  I’d hate to waste it.  Besides, I think he’s used to it already.”

Castiel looked up and was relieved to see a small smile on Hannah’s lips.

“Just don’t be surprised if I name our second child Balthazar.”

Cas managed a laugh.  “You can name all our future children.”

“Thank you.”  Hannah kissed his cheek and dug the car keys out of his pants pocket.  “See you at home.”

Cas watched Hannah walk out to the parking lot, and then felt like he might throw up at the thought of what he had to do now.  He steeled his resolve and marched back into the school’s gymnasium.  He worried briefly that it would be impossible to find Dean in the crowd, or possibly that he’d already left, but he spotted him almost immediately.  His eyes were drawn to the man like they always had been when they’d been children.

Castiel crossed the floor and Dean spotted him about halfway there.  He excused himself from the group of former cheerleaders he’d been talking to and met him near the edge of the dance floor.  They stood awkwardly for a moment, and then Dean’s eyes dipped down and he licked his lips.  The reaction was immediate: Cas was flushed and fluttery and felt his groin tingle.  Fuck, he was just as bad as he had been as a teenager.  He cleared his throat and ignored the physical sensations he had no control over.

“My wife said we should talk.”

Dean nodded.  They walked out of the bustling gym and into the darkened, empty corridors of the school.  The walls were bare as school was out for the summer.  It felt abandoned, and the thought made Castiel feel even sadder.

“I, uh,” Dean started,” his voice deeper than it had been.  “I hope I didn’t cause any trouble…I mean if she heard what I said or…”

“No, no.  This is all on me.  I had never…told her about you.”  Dean’s eyebrows went up.  “And then she met you and figured there had to be more to the story…since, well, our son’s name is Dean.”

Dean stopped walking and turned to face Cas.  “You named your son after me?”

“ _No_.  I didn’t name him _after_ you.  I just like the name.”

Dean gave him one of those dubious “you’re full of shit” looks that Cas had loved to laugh at so much.

“So.  Dean Novak, huh?  Kind of like the sound of that.  Kind of always have.”

“Well, it could have been your name.  Or Castiel Winchester.  Or we could have been obnoxious and hyphenated.  I would have done it.  I was ready to do it.  I won’t take any of the blame for your regret.”

Dean nodded and looked away.  “That’s fair.”

“Was it really just because of your dad, Dean?  Did you end us because you were worried that he’d be disappointed that you loved a man?”

Dean licked his lips and wouldn’t look at him.  “It was more complicated than that.”

“Then you should have explained it.  Because what you did to me was cruel.”

“I know.”

“What you did was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in my life, and I have been through some shit, you asshole.  Shit I had to go through alone because you weren’t there for me!”

“I know, Cas, I’m sorry.  I—”

“You weren’t just my boyfriend or the love of my life, you were my best friend!  My rock, my support system!  You fucking dropped me like I was some sort of diseased, rotten carcass!”

“Fuck, Cas, you think I don’t regret what I did every day of my life?!”

“Not enough!” Castiel shouted.  “Not enough!  Otherwise you would have come for me!  Otherwise you would have come back and—mmf!”

Castiel braced his hands on Dean’s biceps and pushed against him, but he wasn’t trying to get away.  Not really.  He wasn’t trying the way an honest, faithful husband should.  He let Dean kiss him.  He told himself he wasn’t participating, so it didn’t count, but feeling Dean’s lips on his again, his body pressed against him, his hot tongue coaxing his own to come out to play—it was like no time had passed at all.  And then Dean was kissing his cheek, his jaw, his neck.

“Dean, please, you have to stop.  I can’t do this.”

“So, stop me,” Dean murmured, kissing his way back up.

“I can’t,” Cas cried softly.  “I can’t, I can’t…”

Dean silenced him with a kiss and Castiel gave in and wrapped his arms Dean’s shoulders.  He could barely reach all the way around.  He’d grown so much.  He was a fucking man now and Castiel wanted him.  Wanted to taste him to touch him to feel their bodies moving as one again.

“Dean, please, I can’t do this to my family.  It’s too late.  It’s too late.”

Dean stopped moving.  Then, almost like he was fighting against an unseen force, he pulled away from Cas and put distance between them.  Cas leaned against the lockers they’d stumbled into and stared into Dean’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.  I’m so sorry we ended up like this.  But…I’m not willing to sacrifice the two most important people in my life and what I’ve built with them on the off chance that we might not screw it up a second time.”

Castiel looked at the floor.  “I’m sure there’s a part of me that’ll always love you.  But there’s also a part that will always hate you.  And I don’t think you’re worth the risk.”

Dean waited silently.  Castiel looked up, tears leaking from his eyes.

“You’re not worth the risk.”

Dean nodded, allowing Castiel the illusion that he believed the lie.

“It was good seeing you again.  We should keep in touch.”  He handed Castiel a business card, and then walked down the hallway and disappeared around a corner.

Castiel looked at the card.  It stated that Dean worked for a very prestigious engineering company based out of LA.  The address of his building was in the same area as the building that housed the offices Castiel visited when he made his trips to California.

He put a hand to his forehead.

“Shit.”


	2. Chapter 2

When it was happening, it was always like this.

It felt right.  It felt good.  Dean’s rough hands running possessively over his bare skin.  Dean’s plush lips claiming every part of him.  Dean’s body covering his, bearing him down into the mattress.  Dean’s member filling him like he owned him, and then marking him—leaving his warm claim inside his body.

It was happening now.  On his side, his leg held up high by one of Dean’s muscular arms, spread wide for Dean to fuck into him from behind.  Dean’s lips and teeth teased his earlobe.  Castiel was boneless, letting his body flop with each thrust of Dean’s desire.  Castiel had already come—overwhelmed by sensation and Dean’s words.

Dean’s words—he was vulgar and crass and he told Cas exactly what he wanted to hear: that Dean owned him.  Castiel was his and he could do whatever he wanted with him.  That was the only way he could do this—he let Dean take all the blame.

When it was over, it was always like this.

Dean would groan and come inside him.  Castiel would gasp as he felt his body shudder in a facsimile of an orgasm in response.  Dean would pant and moan on top of him, his hands clutching at him possessively and then slapping the flesh he’d just grabbed.  He’d kiss Cas then and whisper to him.  His words changing to sweetness and promises.

Then he would roll off of him, break their connection.  And Castiel would curse himself for letting Dean fuck him without a condom again.  He would feel sick and disgusted with himself for letting Dean coax him so easily into bed.  The first time it had only taken a single afternoon.  Now Castiel would show up at his door straight from the airport, not bothering to prepare for his business meeting the next day.

He wondered if Hannah noticed that none of his business trips took him to New York anymore.  He wondered if she noticed that his trips to California had doubled.  He wondered if she noticed that he wouldn’t fuck her face to face for a week whenever he got home from California.  Maybe he wouldn’t have to do it at all when he got back this time.  She would be in her third trimester now.  When she’d been pregnant with Dean she hadn’t wanted to have sex toward the end.

Dean sat up and gave Castiel’s bare ass a playful slap.  “I’m gonna get some water.  Want some?”

“No, thank you.”

Dean got out of the bed and walked down the stairs to his kitchen.  Castiel could hear him moving about because of the loft design of his apartment.  He forced himself to get out of the bed and walk over to the large windows on the east side of the room.  He looked out over the Hollywood Hills and tried to ignore the semen running down his leg.

Something very cold touched the back of his neck.  He started and pulled away.  Dean laughed and then took a sip of his water.  He put an arm around Cas and pulled him close.

“Sorry.  Couldn’t resist.”

“You always did have problems with impulse control,” Castiel said, ducking out from under his arm.  He walked over to the nightstand next to the bed.

“Speaking of impulses,” Dean said, “I’ve got a work retreat in Hawaii next month.  You should come with me.”

“My company doesn’t have any business in Hawaii,” Cas said distractedly as he moved the clock and book on the small table around.

“So say you’re going to California.”

“My company pays for the business trips.  Don’t you think it would be weird if I suddenly had to use my own money to pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii because my company wanted to send me to California?”

Castiel began to search through the sheets on the bed, a little frantic now.

“Jesus, I’ll pay for it, Cas.  The dates are—”

“I don’t care!” Castiel shouted.  He dropped to his knees and began to search on the floor and under the bed.  “Next month Hannah will be close to her due date.  I’m not fucking leaving her.”

“Okay,” Dean said, his voice flat.  “What are you doing?”

“Looking for my wedding ring!  Where is it?  It’s not on the table!”

“Cas…”

Castiel kept searching until Dean’s hands landed on his shoulders.  He went still and let the man pull him up to sit on the bed.  He sat beside him and rubbed his thigh.

“Cas, you haven’t worn your wedding ring here in months.  You take it off before you get here.  It’s probably safe in your suitcase.”

Cas groaned softly and covered his hands with his face.  “The fuck is wrong with me?” he whimpered.

“Nothing,” Dean said, his hand still soothingly rubbing his thigh.

The worst part was that the touch _was_ soothing.  He wasn’t upset that Dean was touching him while he was having a panic attack about his infidelity.  It was the same reason that after he’d slept with Dean the first time and told him it would never happen again, he still showed up at Dean’s door on his very next business trip.  Castiel knew that he was scum…but he was scum who had no intention of doing anything about it.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Dean murmured softly, licking and kissing a trail down Castiel’s jaw.

He used a hand to push Castiel back onto the bed, his lips still attached to the bolt of his jaw.  His arm hooked under Cas’ knee and spread his legs.  Castiel gasped.

“Already?” he moaned, and then let out a long guttural groan of ecstasy as Dean pushed his hard member into him again.

“I’ve got years to make up for, Cas,” Dean said and began rolling his hips, moving inside him.

It was always like this when it was happening.

It was perfect.  It was right.

~~~

Castiel thanked his Uber driver and walked up the driveway to his front door.  He paused and looked at the little house.  It was a cute starter house, but they should really move somewhere bigger.  And to a district with better schools.  Dean would be in kindergarten next year.  But Hannah was due in a month and a half—it would be too stressful to try to fix the house up for selling and then to make the move to a new place.  Of course, it wouldn’t be any easier with a four year old and a newborn.  He should have agreed to move when Hannah had first suggested it, back when she’d told him she was pregnant.  He should have listened to his wife.  Not that that was the worst thing he’d done to her.

He used his key to open the front door and announced his presence.  A high pitched squeal emanated from the back of the house.  Then little feet came tearing down the hallway and into the living room.  Castiel caught his son and swung him up above his head.

“Hey, Dean-o!  Were you a good boy for Mommy?”

“Yes!” the little boy giggled.

He looked up as Hannah walked into the room.  She shook her head and mouthed, “He was a nightmare.”

Castiel chuckled and put Dean on his hip.  Hannah moved in for a one armed hug and accepted his kiss with a pleased hum.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she said.

“I’m glad to be home,” he said, grateful that that was still the truth.

“Would you mind if we went out for dinner?  I’m too tired to cook tonight,” Hannah said wearily.

He rubbed her shoulder with concern.  “Of course.  If you’re really tired, I can cook.  Or we can order in.”

“No, I want to get out of the house for a while.”

“Okay.  I’m sorry I had two trips almost back to back like that.  I’ll tell the company I can’t go for…the next six months or so.  Not until after the baby is born and we’re settled in with her for a bit.”

“You don’t know it’s a girl,” Hannah admonished him and tickled Dean’s side.

The boy giggled and squirmed, so Castiel put him down.

“And while I would love for you to not have to go on anymore business trips, I don’t want you getting fired either.”

“They’re not going to fire me,” Castiel scoffed and picked up his suitcase.  “They can’t survive without me.”

“That may be true, but do _they_ know that?  Go put your suitcase in the bedroom and freshen up.  I’ll see if I can’t get this one in the c-a-r-s-e-a-t.”

“Wait for me to help,” Castiel said, putting a hand to his wife’s belly.  “She’s been kicked enough I think.”

Hannah laughed.  “That was one time and it wasn’t even that hard.  We’ll be fine.  Hurry up though.  Don’t go get on the toilet and sit.”

Castiel made an offended face at her, but didn’t deny that the thought had crossed his mind.  It was always felt better to use your own bathroom for such matters.  He didn’t even like to pee at Dean’s loft.  And shouldn’t that tell him something?  That he wasn’t even intimate with Dean?  Why was he risking his life, access to his children, his relationship with his wife for some guy he’d been hot for back in college?

_Because he’s the love of your life._

Castiel told his other self to shut the fuck up.  He left his suitcase by the dresser and used the bathroom quickly.  He washed his hands and face and then brushed his teeth even though he’d be eating soon.  Flying on planes, even short flights, always made him feel skuzzy.

He was about to head to the garage when his phone buzzed with an incoming text message.

_John Campbell: Can you talk?_

Castiel typed out no, but then bit his lip and replied yes.  He shut the bedroom door and sat on the bed, waiting for Dean to call.  He did a moment later.

“Hey, baby.  Make it home okay?” Dean asked.

Castiel hated how happy the sound of Dean’s voice made him.

“Yes.  No problems.  Look, I can’t talk long.  We’re about to head out to dinner.”

“Oh, okay.  I just had a quick question.  The email you gave me, your wife doesn’t have the password to it, does she?”

“No.  Why?”

“I’m going to email you the itinerary and confirmation number for the ticket to Honolulu.”

“Goddamnit, Dean.”  Castiel stood up and began to pace.  “I told you no.  Hannah will be two weeks from her due date.  I’m not going to run off to Hawaii to meet my man-mistress when she could go into labor at any moment.”

“Man mistress?”

“What would you call yourself?”

“Your—uh…yeah, okay.  Man mistress.  Oh!  A manstress.”

Dean chuckled at his own joke and Castiel rolled his eyes.

“Clever.  Regardless, it’s not going to happen.  In fact—I’ve got a lot going on right now and I’ll be even busier once the baby arrives.  I’m going to ask my boss for no more business trips for at least six months, so it would be best if we stopped communication for that duration as well.”

Dean was silent for a moment, and then said, “Sure, Cas.  Whatever you want to do.”

“That is what I want.”  Castiel sighed.  “Look, I’m not breaking it off completely.  I…don’t want that.  I understand if that’s not good enough for you.  If you don’t want to be…a manstress.”  He almost rolled his eyes again at the word.  “But…that’s all I can offer you.  It’s okay if it’s—”

“Oh, no, Cas.  You’re not putting this on me.  I want more, sure.  I’d like to be able to wake up with you every morning and go out to eat with you and introduce you to people as my husband.”

Cas let out a small “eep” sound and clutched his cell phone so tightly it hurt his hand.

“I—what was that sound?”

“N-nothing.”

“I want those things, Cas.  But, I understand that I blew my chances at that years ago when I lied to you and told you I didn’t love you.  I thought I’d lost you forever.  The fact that I can have even a small part of you now is more than enough.  More than I deserve.”

Castiel closed his eyes in pain.  “It’s not a small part,” he confessed quietly.

“Regardless, I know that your life and your loyalty are to your son and new baby.  And Hannah.  And I can respect that.  But…I’m not ending this.  I’ll never end it.  If you can’t do this anymore, then you have to end it.”

Castiel didn’t respond right away.  Instead he looked around the room.  He took in the antique dresser he and Hannah had found in a small shop on their honeymoon.  He saw the plaster of Dean’s tiny hand he’d made in preschool hanging on the wall.  He saw the bed he shared with his wife.  But he was eighteen hundred miles away in Los Angeles, imagining he was holding Dean instead of a cell phone.

“I don’t want…I’m not going to end it.”

“Alright then.  I’ll let you get to dinner.  I’ll call you tomorrow at work.”

“Dean, d—”  Castiel could tell he had already hung up.  He sighed and put the phone in his pocket.  What was he going to say?  Don’t call him?  Ridiculous.  If Dean didn’t call him, he would call Dean.

Cas left the bedroom and walked out to the garage.  His son was strapped into his car seat and Hannah was in the passenger seat of the minivan.  He got in and started the vehicle.

“Sorry about that,” he said.

“Decided to sit anyway?”

“I wasn’t pooping,” Cas tsked at her.

She smiled at him, clearly not believing him.  Dean laughed because his father had used the word poop.  Castiel couldn’t help but smile as he backed out of the garage.  His family was the best.  And he was going to show that he was loyal to them.  That they came first.  They would always come first with him.  He loved Dean—always had and apparently nothing could ever make him stop.  But his priorities had shifted.

He reached over and took Hannah’s hand as he drove them to the Olive Garden.  She smiled at him and squeezed his hand and rubbed her belly with her free hand.  In the backseat Dean began singing the song to his favorite cartoon show.  Castiel smiled.  This was where he truly wanted to be.

~~~

When it was happening, it was always like this.

Dean’s hot breaths on the back of his neck as he panted with exertion and erotic vulgarities pouring from his lips.  Castiel white-knuckling the sheets as he spread his legs wide and let Dean in as deep as possible.  It always felt so good.

Worse, it felt so right.

The only difference this time was the view out the window.  Palm trees, bright blue water, and a serene beach of yellow sand glowing in the soft, warm light of a beautiful orangey-pink sunrise.


End file.
